Slapshot Premier League
News Report

​Capitaine, Ô mon Capitaine!

Author: Renard, 08/26/20

Renard brings us a dramatic tale...

Capitaine, Ô mon Capitaine!

Imagine a ship floating in quiet waters, unaware or maybe oblivious of what was about to come next. Those quiet waters had an idea in mind, an idea that not even the Kraken would be able to defeat. Waves came crashing on the wooden and rotten floors of the Quebec Baguettes as it attempted the impossible. That boat decided to implode on purpose, preventing further damage to be done. That boat then was re-built from scratch, with an even bigger (and quite admittedly) really, really dumb idea to counter the quiet waters who did its job right… Fools fool themselves before fooling others, you need to live the lie beforehand. And the boat stayed afloat, quietly, waiting for a moment to emerge. 

But the captain was nowhere to be seen, and it seemed the crew nowhere to go. An officer left, not without a bit of remorse (now long gone, imagine being part of the best pirate crew in the sea) and another joined his wife waiting patiently ashore. The other member was, well, a bit depressed. He tied the knot, but the wrong way, and he had no interest in the plank. Capitaine, Ô mon Capitaine!
 

‘’You imagine yourself sinking and not finding yourself a job and they give you a boat. They give you a fucking boat man. Get promoted, I was mopping floors with my tears and now I’ll be mopping the seas with self-pity. I wonder where Capitaine’s gonna go. I already see himself braving the grand waves of the South-Shore and coming back a hero, with the very few accolades he still needs to get. Yeah, I see him alright.’’

That did not exactly go as planned. 

‘’You know, I think I might be done kiddo.’’
‘’No way Cap. No fucking way’’
‘’Listen, I’ve been doing this long enough to know the next time I’ll go out there, the sea’s gonna swallow me whole.’’
‘’So what is the plan huh? I just keep on going? I don’t even have myself a wife and stuff. We started something, remember?’’
‘’There is nothing for me out there.’’

And so mister depressed keep on going, landing himself a veteran crew to give him some tips on how to navigate.

‘’Stop setting yourself up in the middle you’re gonna get us killed, idiot’’ He was wiser than kind, and it was perfect.
‘’You know guys, I don’t think it’s worth dying for. I heard there was a new species close from the shore. They call it the Gharial.’’ He was always ready to land a hand, and he was a great man to have in your crew. 

**Pause here: This is getting cringy. Fuck it I’m at 440 words already**

They came back, well alive, with their eyes closer from the prize. Not everyday can you survive three long adventures on the ocean. 

Ô Capitaine, 
Mon Capitaine,
Que la route soit longue et fructueuse,
Que nos succès se récoltent en médaille,
Nous serons décorés d’or,
Bientôt à la maison

A few days after his return, the newly named Captain had a few thoughts about his position amongst the group.

‘’Imagine yourself, they give you a boat and you, like, get to be captain. But you’re not much of a leader, you just listen and give in you know? I wish I could do something. Wait, who’s the guy coming over? What the hell? Capitaine?’’

Capitaine had shaved his head but kept a long, furnished grey beard resembling the one the infamous pirate Thornton wore before he retired from the seas.

‘’Kiddo, y’a got a spot for an old man on your ship?’’
‘’My ship? Your ship. It was always yours.’’
‘’You lead the way now. Where should we set sail, Captain?’’

And just like that, without thinking, he said:
Columbus.

74 Views

LEAGUE PARTNERS